Ace Comedy: UDDOSKOF
by Kartman
Summary: It was supposed to be a normal episode of Jeopardy featuring Ace Combat 5's finest and not so finest. That is, until the game started. Need ideas for some more categories for round two. I have a couple so far, but any input is welcome.
1. Round One, first half

**ACE COMEDY X**

Unsung Daily Doubles ...of...Shattered Knowledge of Fires

by: Joshua Wayne [DA: Karthesios

The standard issue disclaimer: Ace Combat and all related names and concepts are property of Namco Bandai / Project ACES. I don't own them and this a work of parody. Jeopardy belongs to Merv Griffin, who is probably spinning in his grave right now. Oh, and it may also contain spoilers from several games in the Ace Combat series. Just a heads up.

_Live from Oured, the beautiful capital of Osea! This...is...Jeopardy! Now entering the studio are today's contestants! A fighter pilot for the OADF, also known as "Blaze," _[loud bleep

_(In the control room...)_

Technician 1: "Why is his name getting bleeped?"

Technician 2: "Well, because he never got an actual name aside from his callsign, since he was the player character."

Techincian 1: "So, what do we do?"

Technician 2: "We need a real name for him."

Technician 1: "Turn this into a bit of self-insertion?"

Technician 2: "For the win."

_(Suddenly, Blaze looks like Karth.)_

Blaze:"Whoa, my hair grew long all of a sudden. Hm, kinda groovy."

_Another fighter pilot in the OADF, welcome Kei Nagase, aka "Edge!"_

_(Nagase enters the studio and takes the second podium)._

Nagase:"Blaze! I don't remember you having long hair."

Blaze:"Liv, I mean, Nagase, I mean...I don't recall you cutting yours."

Nagase:"Not one minute in and we're already confused."

_And finally, an older, drunker pilot in the OADF...Jack Bartlett!_

_(Bartlett takes the third podium. He's got a beer in one hand.)_

Bartlett:"Hello, nuggets."

Blaze:"Nuggets?"  
Nagase:"Yeah, where were you when we destroyed the SOLG?"

_And now the host of Jeopardy, Alex Trebek—wait, who's that!?_

_(Instead of Alex Trebek, the Sand Island Base commander, Orson Perrault walks out on stage.)_

Blaze:"Aw, god, him...someone please shoot me in the head."  
Nagase:"Blaze, no!"

Blaze:"Why not?"

Nagase:"Then you won't be able to shoot me in the head."

Bartlett:"I'll take care of him. No gunshots necessary."

Perrault:"No liquor on stage!"

Bartlett:"I got enough for everybody!"

Perrault:"You've never been one to follow orders, Bartlett. But rather than waste my time with you, let's get on with the game...the categories are...Hodgepodge...Rock and Roll...Strangereal Geography...Famous Aces...The One With Your Name On It—it's about your special weapons...and finally, Very Big Things That Ought Not Fly...that one's about flying superweapons...now, let's get on with this. Blaze, you drew the short straw, you go first. Pick a category."

Blaze:"Alrighty then. I'll take Strangereal Geography for 200."

Perrault:"For 200 it is. Directus is the capital of this country...Bartlett?"

Bartlett:"What is Ufia?" _He takes a swig._

Perrault:"...I can see you're intent on winning...Nagase?"

Nagase:"What is Ustio?"

Perrault:"That is correct."

Bartlett_ (to the other contestants):"_I was asking him what an Ufia was."

Nagase:"You oughta slow down with that."

Bartlett:"Nah. The party is just getting started." _(He pulls out a bottle of Jeremiah Weed.)_

Blaze:"I don't want to know where he keeps those."

Nagase:"I'll take Your Name On It for 200."

Perrault:"These missiles require you steer them by keeping the target within a circle on your HUD."

Blaze:"What Semi-active Air-to-air Missiles (SAAM)?"

Perrault:"Good stuff. Those things are great if you can maneuver precisely enough."

Blaze:"Geography for 400."

Perrault:"Brunies is the capital of this country."

Nagase:"...I like brunies. My mom used to make the best batches of them...then I got ahold of a batch that apparently wasn't meant for me and started tripping mad balls."

Blaze:"Madballs kicked ass back when I was little."

Perrault:"No real answers?"

_(Silence)_

Perrault:"The answer...'What is Fato?' Brunies is the capital of Fato."

Bartlett:"Fato, huh, Perrault? I guess it does take one to know one." _He starts laughing._

Nagase:"Wow, shack on the target."

Perrault:"Why didn't I see that coming? ...Anyway, since no one answered that last one legitimately, Nagase, it's still your board."

Nagase:"Looks like this is my lucky day. Give me Strangereal Geography for 600."

Perrault:"This continent was was the setting of three Ace Combat titles, including Shattered Skies."

Bartlett:"What is Ufia?" _He takes a big swig from the bottle of Weed._

Perrault:"Ufia again...ugh, I'll chalk it up to you being drunk. It's actually Usea, but Bartlett's sobriety is quickly fading."

Bartlett:"The day is mine! I'll take Famous Asses for 400."

Perrault:"That's Aces, Mr. Bartlett, Famous Aces."

Bartlett:"It's spelled 'ass' in some languages."

Perrault:"Here's the clue...this famous ace was known as the Southern Cross."

Bartlett:"Jennifer Lopez!"

Perrault:"That is incorrect, Bartlett. Let me remind you that it's ACES. Famous ACES."

Bartlett:"Not a fan of the female posterior, are you Perrault?"

Perrault:"Anybody else? Need I remind you of the category?"  
Blaze:"Who is Gryphus One?"

Perrault:"Good, someone's paying attention."

Bartlett:"Oh, that's not all I paid attention to. I paid attention to the sounds your mother made last night, Perrault." _He starts laughing._

Perrault:"Okay, that one was uncalled for. Blaze, pick a category."

Blaze:"Give me Oughtn't Fly for 200."

Perrault:"This Leasath-built weapon was equipped with optical camoflauge and a shock cannon...Nagase?"

Nagase:"What is the Gleipnir?"

Perrault:"Good. It seems you guys are realizing you're on a game show and not at a roast."

Nagase:"I'll take Hodgepodge for 200 then."

Perrault:"This Emmerian battalion's name is a reference to a 1980s Namco arcade game."

Bartlett:"Pac-man!"

Perrault:"No."  
Bartlett:"No, I meant pack those burgers down your gullet, man!"

Blaze:"Who are the Dragon Busters?"

Perrault:"I'm gonna need me a drink of that crap Bartlett's got here soon."

Blaze:"Hodgepodge for 400."

Perrault:"This was PJ's favorite sport...Nagase?"

Nagase:"What is polo?"

Perrault:"Good."

Nagase:"Famous Aces for 200."

Perrault:"This ace was also known as Solo Wing."

Bartlett:"Who is Pixy?"

Perrault:"Very good, Mr. Bartlett."

Bartlett:"I do have one question for you, though, sir."

Perrault:"You do? What is it?"

Bartlett:"Back in your day, weren't you known as Solo Hand?" _He busts out laughing maniacally._

Nagase:"Okay, I'll admit that was kinda funny."

Bartlett:"We need some music here. Give me Rock and Roll for 200."

Perrault:"This pair of F-16 pilots formed their own group to write more modern songs about life in the air force."

_Silence_.

Perrault:"No one? Dos Gringos is that band."

_The contestants look on, confused._

Perrault:"Apparently since rock and roll music only appeared in Ace Combat 5, the writer had to bring in some other material. I hear he's trying to keep it as relevant as possible...ugh, Bartlett, pick again."

Bartlett:"Your Name On It for 600."

Perrault;"Okay. This SP weapon most likely draws its inspiration from AMRAAMs, such as those carried by the F-15."

Bartlett:"Could you repeat the question?"

Perrault:"This SP weapon most likely draws its inspiration from AMRAAMs, such as those carried by the F-15."

Bartlett:"I AMRAAM'd your mother." _He starts laughing again._

Perrault:"Again, fool me once...you get the rest...Blaze, are you gonna give an actual answer?"

Blaze:"What are the Advanced Medium Range Air-to-Air Missiles (XMAA)?"

Perrault:"Good."

Blaze:"Give me Oughtn't Fly for 400."

Perrault:"Also referred to as the White Bird, this flying weapon's original purpose was to contribute to building an international space station."

_Nagase starts buzzing in furiously._

Nagase:"The Arkbird!!"

Perrault:"I'm sorry, Nagase, you have to state your response in the form of a question."

_After a pause, Nagase throws the buzzer at Perrault, hitting him in the side of the head._

Perrault:"Ow! ...Blaze?"

Blaze:"What is the Arkbird."

Perrault:"Correct."

Blaze:"Hodgepodge for 600."

Perrault:"This one's an audio clue...pay attention to the sound clip and identify who spoke that line."

_The clip:_

Child's voice:"Garuda Team, engage!"

_Nagase grabs the buzzer belonging to Bartlett, who's now piss drunk and starts buzzing in._

Perrault:"It's Bartlett's podium that's lit up, but since you're buzzing in, Nagase, give us an answer."

Nagase:"Who is Radio?"

Perrault:"Correct. Just use Bartlett's for now. He seems blissfully unaware."

Nagase:"Your name on it for 400."

Perrault:"The UGBS—the Small Unguided Bomb—only appeared in Ace Combat 4, as a Special Weapon for the F-5E, the F-16C, the MiG-29A and this plane."

Nagase:"That's awfully specific for a $400 question."

Bartlett_actually buzzing in_:"I left some small unguided bombs in the bathroom stall earlier."

Perrault:"That is awful."

Blaze:"What is the Mirage 2000?"

Perrault:"Thank you, Blaze."

Blaze:"I'll take Rock for 400."

Perrault:"In this Dos Gringos song, of nearly identical title, the singer wishes he had a gun just like this plane."

Bartlett:"What is a Hog?"

Perrault:"The A-10 Thunderbolt II, or Warthog...or even 'Hog. Correct, Bartlett."

Bartlett:"You mean the question wasn't about the host?"

Blaze:"Geez, Bartlett, you alright over there?"

Perrault:"Good question...now, before we go to break, let's review the scores...Blaze is in the lead with 2200, Nagase in second with an even thousand, and Bartlett, who's at all balls right now."

Bartlett:"Let the truth be known! I AM all balls!"

Perrault:"It is not necessary for you to elaborate on that. And, when we get back, Nagase will have a new buzzer."


	2. Commercial Break, the First

Announcer:"It's oh-four-hundred hours and the enemies of Osea are plotting to carry out their nefarious deeds."

_Shot of a strange looking fighter jet on a carrier as it begins takeoff._

Announcer:"Can your nation count on you to answer the call and protect the freedom of our people? In the Osean Air-Defense Force, you will have the opportunity to fly Grunder's newest advanced tactical fighter, the XFD-42 Deus Ex Machina!"

_Shot of the jet unloading wave after wave of missiles and other improbable weaponry._

Announcer:"Armed with 500 Sidewinder missiles, a tactical laser, multipurpose burst missiles and an electromagnetic railgun, it's the solution to all problems you may encounter up there! So, answer the call, your country needs you."

XFD-42 pilot:"Yee-haw! Dancin' with angels--" _The plane crashes into a falling satellite._

Announcer:"The Osean Air Defense Force. Because it only takes one pilot." _In muted voice _"One opening is available. Sign up at your local recruiting station."


	3. Round One, second half

_Back to the show..._

Perrault:"And we're back with more Jeopardy. For those of you just joining us, consider yourselves fortunate. When we left off, Blaze was in the lead with 2200, and is carrying on a rather detailed conversation with Nagase, who is at 1000."

Blaze:"...Then after insertion, you turn it a little to either side for best effect."

Nagase:"We'll have to try that sometime. Maybe after the show."

Perrault:"I won't bother explaining. And Bartlett still has zero, but he does have control of the board."

Bartlett_still quite drunk_:"The day is mine! Your Mom's Name On It for 800."

Perrault:"O...kay. This SP weapon releases a cloud of highly volatile gas, before igniting in a massive explosion."

Nagase:"What is the Fuel-Air Explosive Bomb?"

Perrault:"That is correct."

Bartlett:"That reminds me of last night with your mom, Perrault. I shouldn't have eaten those enchiladas beforehand. That was a dutch oven to remember."

Perrault:"Ugh..."

Nagase:"Give me Hodgepodge for 800."

Perrault:"This one's a video clue. Pay attention to the board once I read the clue...The craft shown here is capable of more than 35,000 pounds of thrust from each engine."

_The video starts playing, but instead of the corresponding aircraft, it's a crude cellphone-like video of Blaze and Nagase getting it on. Bartlett starts laughing his ass off._

Bartlett:"Thrust, indeed!"

Blaze:"Aw, fuck, who got a hold of that video?"

Nagase_facepalms_:"Aw, jeez..."

_Bartlett passes out._

Perrault:"Okay, that definitely isn't the video that was meant for this clue. And Bartlett seems to have laughed himself to death. I didn't know the Joker was working behind the scenes on this show."

_Nagase still decides to kick him in the nuts while he's down._

Nagase:"Much better."

Perrault:"Okay, now the proper video."

_The video shows an F-22 Raptor taking off._

Blaze:"What is the Raptor?"

Perrault:"The F-22 Raptor. Correct...now, since Bartlett's now sleeping in a puddle of Weed, let's get someone out here to replace him. Anybody?"

_A black Labrador retriever runs up to the podium._

Blaze:"I don't think there are any clues about steak...are there?"

Perrault:"No. But since we don't have unlimited time, let's go with it. Kirk is the replacement for now. Until we get someone who doesn't crap in my slippers...Blaze, it's still your board."

Blaze:"Aces for 600."

Perrault:"This ace, who carried out Operation Katina, was known for the ribbon insignia on his plane."

Blaze:"Who is...not you?"

Perrault:"No."

Nagase:"Who is Mobius One?"

Perrault:"Good. You and Blaze are now tied."

Blaze:"Wait, I said 'not you,' and that's wrong? You're not Mobius One, are you?"

Nagase:"That's terrifying if he is."

Perrault:"I'm not that particular pilot."

Nagase:"I'll take Rock and Roll for 600."

_The fanfare sounds._

Perrault:"It looks like you've found the Daily Double! Things could get interesting as you now have a chance to pull well into the lead. How much will you wager?"

Nagase:"Make it 1200."

Perrault:"For 1200 Osean Zollars, then...in the category Rock and Roll, let's bring out our guest to provide the clue."

_Suddenly, a doorway-sized hole gets knocked open in the wall between Perrault's podium and the wall of monitors. Into the studio steps a zombie in a flight suit._

Blaze:"Whoa!!"  
Nagase:"Holy shit!!"

Zombie_in menacing voice_:"Braaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnnsssssss..."

Perrault:"What the fu...!?"

_The zombie stumbles toward Perrault and starts to closely examine his head._

Zombie:"Braaaaaaiiiinnnnnsssss??"_He starts rapping lightly on Perrault's head, and is apparently disappointed by the sound. _"no braaaaaaaaaiiiiiiinssss..." _He suddenly starts speaking a familiar voice. _"And rock and roll!!"

Blaze:"Chopper?"

Zombie!Chopper:"I thought you guys knew me better, man! Not even the fifty-yard line in November City can stop me!"

Perrault:"I'm feeling quite uncomfortable here...please just give the clue!"

Zombie!Chopper:"Aw, you're still uptight, like before. Anyway, Blaze and Edge, here's the clue—oh, hi, Kirk...This song by Puddle of Mudd is a favorite of mine...it calms me right down..."

Nagase:"What is Blurry?"

Zombie!Chopper:"Very good! You're in the lead now...hey, there's Bartlett...what's he up to?"

Blaze:"Passed out. Trash-talking the colonel."

Zombie!Chopper:"I miss those days...well, I oughta take off before I give good ol' Orson a heart attack...say, how's that left arm feeling, lunchbox?"

_A janitor shows up with a push mop and pushes Bartlett (still passed out) off stage._

Nagase:"Blaze, I'll give you a hundred zollars if you teabag him."

Blaze:"Nah, let's get Grimm to do it."

Perrault:"It looks like they've got for us a new contestant anyway. Come on down."

_A familiar (though very much living) man in Ustian Air Force garb shows up._

Perrault:"Larry Foulke's our new contestant."

Pixy_turns toward Chopper_:"Yo, buddy...still alive?"

Zombie!Chopper:"You don't really mean that, do you?"

Pixy:"Sorry, I guess not."

Zombie!Chopper:"I'm outta here. See ya in the funny pages." _He leaves._

Perrault:"Anyway, Larry, you'll start at zero, as that's what Kirk left off with."

Pixy:"I see."

Perrault:"But I think it was Nagase's pick of the category."

_Nagase nods in agreement._

Nagase:"Yeah. Let's finish off Hodgepodge."

Perrault:"The F-2, Japan's version of the F-16, is also sometimes known as this, possibly due to Mitsubishi's involvement in the project..."

Pixy:"What is the Viper Zero?"

Perrault:"Nice start, Larry."

Pixy:"Just call me Pixy. My buddies call me that."

Nagase:"You still have buddies?"

Pixy:"...no...I'll take Geography for 800."

Perrault:"This country, just off to the northwest of the Anean mainland, was neutral during the Emmerian-Estovakian War."

Pixy:"What is the Kingdom of Nordennavik?"

Perrault:"Excellent, you're catching up."

Blaze:"Only on account of your villainy, Solo Hand."

Pixy:"Aces for 800."

Perrault:"This ace was also known as The Demon Lord of the Round Table."

Blaze:"Who was Cipher?"

Pixy:"Him? He was a true ace. Did you know there are three kinds of aces? Those that--"

Perrault:"We know. And Blaze, pick again."

Blaze:"Aces for 1000."

Perrault:"This ace flew for the United Forces to stop a rebel insurgency on the Usean continent."

Pixy:"Who is Scarface One."

Perrault:"Correct."

Pixy:"SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIE—ahchoo!" _He sneezes, and a wig of hair falls off his head, revealing it to be bald._

Nagase:"Holy Shatner!"

Blaze:"I'm scared."

Perrault:"Apparently, Pixy's taken the time to reveal a secret to us just now."

Pixy:"What do you expect? I crawled to ground zero at Stier. You thought the radiation was gone? I'm balder than Perrault's mom!"

Perrault:"It's a rare ailment! What do you have to say about that!?"

Pixy:"Geography for 1000."

Perrault:"...This continent, northeast of the Osean supercontinent, is identical in outline to Greenland."

Blaze:"What is Wellow?"

Perrault:"Correct. And that puts you back in the lead."

Blaze:"Oughtn't Fly for 600."

Perrault:"This oversized bomber carried out an attack on Valais Air Base on Christmas Day in 1995."

Nagase:"What is the Hresve--"

_The PA kicks in._

PA:"Will the owner of the dark green with wood trim Gremlin station wagon please come to the studio parking lot? There is a drunk man urinating on the driver's side front hubcap."

Perrault:"Wait, that's..." _He runs off the set._

Blaze:"Now what? The host is gone."

Nagase:"I say we sneak out of here."

Pixy_slips the hairpiece back on_:"Yeah."

_Suddenly, a familiar duo arrives on the set._

Melissa:"Wait, this isn't the Emmerian Idol set?"

Nagase:"No, you're not even in the right hemisphere."

Matilda:"We shoulda taken that left turn at Okchabursk..."

_The PA chimes in again._

PA:"You there, the thirtysomething blond! You're the new host."

Melissa:"Me? Host the show?"

Matilda:"Can I turn the letters?"

_Blaze slaps his forehead._

Melissa:"I guess so...where'd he leave off?"

Nagase:"Ought Not Fly for 600. I answered, 'What is the Hresvelgr?'"

Melissa:"I see...and that is correct, according to the card. You and Blaze are tied."

Nagase:"Your Name On It for 1000."

Melissa:"This special weapon, carried by the Typhoon, among other planes in Ace Combat 6, was capable of destroying a Kottos craft with one volley."

Matilda:"You mean one of these, mom?" _She drags a rocket launcher pod out from backstage. _"Sure is heavy though."

Blaze:"What is a rocket launcher, and how did you get that thing out here?"

Matilda:"Same way we hauled the Golden King down into those tunnels."

Blaze:"I'll take your word for it."

Melissa:"Well, rocket launcher is correct, so Bla--"

_A rocket projectile zips past the podiums, through the studio wall, and an explosion is heard outside._

Matilda:"Oops. Shouldn't have kicked it, I guess."

Melissa:"Please don't touch that again. Let's hope that didn't do too much damage out there."

_Meanwhile, outside, Perrault stands stunned as the space once occupied by his car is now a smoldering crater. Bartlett sits on the hood of a nearby pickup truck with a bottle of Weed._

Bartlett:"Tsk, tsk, tsk...that oughta tell you something."

_Back in the studio..._

Blaze:"Rock for 800."

Melissa:"...Despite the bad day Chris Kurek had in this song, he thanks his lucky stars that he's not this...Pixy?"

Pixy:"Who is Shamrock?"

Melissa:"Zing and a miss."

Nagase:"What is the snacko?"

Melissa:"Yes. The song's title is 'At Least I'm Not the Snacko'."

Nagase:"Grimm hates being that, too. He just sucks at poker, that's why. Let's finish off Rock."

Melissa:"In this 'legendary' song with his name in it, Shaved Dog's Ass only said '2, lead, you're on fire,' and this."

Pixy:"What is 'Leave the fat one for me.'"

Melissa:"Not sure what he was thinking, but that's correct."

Pixy:"Oughtn't fly for 800."

Melissa:"This stingray-like heavy command cruiser spearheaded the attack on Gracemeria using its Nimbus missile system."

Pixy:"What is the Ai--" _Suddenly, Nagase whips around and jams a sea urchin in his face. _"GAAAAAIAAAAAAAHAAA!!"

Blaze:"What the hell!?"

Matilda:"Mom, the crazy lady shoved a koosh ball in the man's face! She must've hit him really hard."

Nagase:"That's for being a turncoat."

Blaze:"That explains that, but where'd you get a sea urchin at?"

Nagase:"This is a TV studio. The place is crawling with them!"

_Pixy pulls the sea urchin off his face._

Melissa:"That sounded like Aigaion...sort of...I'll give it to you, since that looked like it hurt a lot."

Pixy:"It did...let's just get that last question out of the way then I'm out of here."

Melissa:"This plane, flown by Pixy after Operation Point Blank was an experimental craft, whose only weak spot was its air intakes.."

Pixy:"What is the Morgan?"

Melissa:"Correct."

Nagase:"Figures you'd know. Compensating for something with all that armament on it?"

Pixy:"...I'm outta here." _He leaves._

Melissa:"And that wraps up the Jeopardy round. The scores are as follows. Blaze is in the lead with 5200. Nagase closely trailing with five thousand, and Pixy, who would have 3800, if he didn't just flee the set. We may be back with Double Jeopardy if the fic writer can come up with some worthwhile categories."


	4. Commercial Break, the Second

_**AUTHOR'S NOTE: It has been about three years since the last update, yes. A combination of lack of ideas (which I'm gradually working on) and unrelated IRL issues have made it difficult to work on this piece. Don't worry. A second round is in the works, however. I won't give a time frame for it though, since that's up in the air right now.**_

* * *

_Commercial setting: A warehouse filled with odd-looking machines_

Warehouse manager: "Come to Dippy Dan's Discount Dollies! For all your hauling needs! Do you have large items in your home, but your roommates and/or family members are too weak or lazy to help you move them? Fear no more! Introducing the ScrewCo 6100 Series Motor-Assisted Hand Truck, capable of carrying up to eight tons and so simple to use that even a kid could use it!"

_Testimonials_

Matilda: "You could steal a gold statue with it!" _Zoom back to show her carting the Golden King out of Gracemeria's castle with ease._

Melissa: "We actually made good time in Ludmila's car once we put it on one of Dippy Dan's dollies!"

Ludmila _in her native Estovakian_: ("...why this...?")

Warehouse manager: "Combine more than one 6100 to haul even larger items!" _The manager stumbles as an earthquake starts._

_Exterior shot: Dozens of 6100s are working to uproot the entire warehouse off its foundation. Within moments, it's cleared of the ground as the 6100s and their operators begin to leave the tract of land on which the building once sat._

Warehouse manager: "Inventory is limited and flying off the shelves! Get your 6100 Series Motor-assisted Hand Truck today before they're gone!"


End file.
